Today is a day I never thought would happen. Today, I’ve lived one day longer than my mother. She died when she was 48 years, 7 months and 15 days old. Today, I am 48, 7 months and 16 days old.
I seriously never thought I would never live that long.
Really. I never thought it would happen.
I remember telling everyone I knew, that I’d probably die young. I didn’t say that to be morbid, or to be a downer, deep down, I just couldn’t imagine myself older than my mom.
Since then, I’ve discovered this is a real psychological thing…women who lose a mother at a young age, never can wrap their head around getting older than her. It’s like it’s impossible to view yourself older than the oldest woman closest to your heart. I was 15, but I thought I was 30. Moms can relate to that I bet. The older I get, the more I realize just how young she was.
And now that the day has come and gone, it feels so…weird.
Almost like I’ve been given the chance that she never got. Like I can experience things for her that she never got to do. I can climb a mountain for her. I can learn French for her. I can travel the world and show her new experiences. I can be her eyes, her ears, her voice. I can fulfill a life cut short.
But is that what she’d want?
If mom were here, she’d tell me to fulfill my own dreams, my own wants, my own wishes. She’d want me to do the very best I could at whatever brought my heart joy. And so I shall.
But I’m still gonna climb that mountain, travel to France and learn French. Cause it turns out, I’m a little more like my mom than I ever thought I’d ever be.
I miss you mom.