I’ve fallen and I can’t get back up

If you’re near my age, you remember that commercial.  An older woman has fallen down in her home and is unable to get back up by herself.  Thanks to the Medical-Alert necklace she’s wearing, an ambulance quickly comes to her rescue.  I’m 47 and I feel like that lady.  I feel like I’ve fallen so many times, but now, I just don’t have the energy to get back up.

So where’s my ambulance?



I’ve always felt deep down that I was sent to this earth for a purpose.  Yes, that sounds very woo-woo, I know, but I do honestly feel that deep in my core.  I’m here for a purpose.  I know that just like I know gravity exists, that the universe is ever expanding and how my dog loves me like no other being on this planet.    The problem is, I’ve had a hard time defiining that purpose.

I was always envious of people who knew from the time they were 15 what they should be doing with their lives.  I have a friend who just knew she wanted to be a medical doctor since she was 5, and another who has known since he was a toddler that he’d be a classical guitarist.  Another who knew that he wanted to be a ceramic pottery artist and another who wanted to teach elementary students.  And, in standing on the sidelines, I can see that not only do they excel at these careers, but the amount of lives they are touching and changing is phenomonal.

And then there”s me.

I was in college for seven years.  That’s right, seven long years.  Most of that was because I had to work full time to have the money to obtain my degree, but a little piece of that is because I couldn’t focus on one subject.  I was like a 2 year old distracted by shiney objects along the way.  Or, that dog in the movie who keeps running after squirrels.  In retrospect, I think it was because everything appealed to me.  Science?  Facinating!  History?  Intriguing!  Language?  Mysterious!  Writing?  Love!  Drama?  Moving!  Business?  Savy!  Art?  Compelling!

I changed majors more than Madonna changed her hair in the 90s.

So, that put me behind a bit.  Finally, I accumulated enough credits to graduate with a BS in Biology.  That biology degree was supposed to be the stepping stone for me to go to veterniary school.  I was thrilled.  But, the school admission had one requirement…volunteer at an animal clinic for the summer.  So, I found a local clinic in Athens, GA and volunteered.  And, I cried…every…night.  Not the tears of not liking something, but deep, disturbing, belly aching crying.  The kind of crying that keeps you up at night and makes you lose weight.

It turns out, my heart is too soft to watch the suffering of animals.  Even though veterninary science is there to help heal, dealing with the asshole humans who didn’t really care, well, that was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back.  So, I abandoned that career path.

And then, I was more lost than ever.

Since then, I’ve been a waitress, a retail store manager, a bartender, a golf beverage girl, a receptionist, a medical office administrator and finally, a photographer.  In all those roles, there’s been good things, bad things, moments when my heart has sung and moments when I wanted to run away.

Along the way, I’ve read every career book on the market and every self help book known to man.  I’ve prayed.  I’ve meditated.  I’ve done yoga, I’ve exercised to oblivian. I’ve cried.  I just keep thinking I was going to get an epiphony.   There’s always been that deep feeling that there’s something more.  Something I’m meant to do.  Something that I could contribute to help this world be a better place.  I feel like there is a itchy feeling in my brain that I just can’t get at to scratch.  There’s something more!

And I’m still confused.

I feel like I’ve fallen, and I just can’t get up.

Do you ever feel this way too?



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