This morning I awoke and felt like a hole in my heart was never going to fill up. This vast empty feeling felt like a black hole, inching its way through my whole body, threatening to take every emotion, every happy moment, every beat of my heart, every tear, and every breathe.
And I wasn’t sad to feel it.
You see, being numb is better than feeling pain. Yes, you don’t feel the happiness, but when you’re numb, you don’t have to feel the encroaching pain and heartache that you’ve been fighting off with work and exercise. Because at some point, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that when all those things are gone, it’s just you and yourself.
And you do you like the person looking back at you in the reflection?
Being numb has its upside…you get to stare back with apathy. Which, is better than the condemnation and hatred you felt yesterday. It’s better than telling that person they are stupid, foolish, ugly, pathetic, and generally a life not needed.
Being numb is much better.
I know this because I’ve struggled with major depression since 1995. The cycles are hard, especially for your loved ones. And eventually, it will claim even the best of friendships and relationships. When you’re in the depths of hopelessness, nothing can retrieve the sunshine. Nothing.
And that’s when the numbness sets in.
I analogize it to how a dog must feel who’s been on a chain for its entire life. Running in circles, hopelessly pulling, panting, begging, crying…someone will surely notice the pain, the symptoms of a life lost in the prison of despair. Surely someone will come to feed it’s soul with hope. But no one comes.
And then, you just give up. And then the numbness comes and claims the life beneath the eyes. The spirit leaves and the void sets in. There’s no sparkle. No joy. No hope. No life.
The numbness comes and claims the spirit to the calm waters of giving up.